圣手添乱

Today, while eating a sandwich, I saw a worm. Knowing that my friend always tries to scare me with fake worms and insects, I bit it to show her I knew it was fake. It was real. FML

今天，在吃三明治的时候，我看到一只虫子。因为我朋友经常用一些假虫子来吓我，我就把虫子咬了一口，显示给她我知道那是假的。谁知道那居然是真的虫子。FML

Today, my girlfriend wished me a happy birthday. Too bad my birthday isn’t for 5 months. She mixed up my birthday with the guy she’s been cheating on me with. FML

今天，我女朋友为我庆祝生日。糟糕的是我的生日在五个月之后，她把我的生日和那个她背着我好上的家伙的生日搞混了。FML

Today, I started my job as a waiter. I was excited when my first customer paid for the bill. I go over to the table, half-expecting a tip. I got to the table and no money was on the table. On the bottom receipt was written: “Ever heard of deodorant?” Apparently I smell bad. Thanks for the tip. FML

今天，我开始了做服务生的工作。当我的第一个客户付账的时候，我很兴奋，我走到餐桌旁，还以为会有小费。桌子上没有钱，在收据的底部写着“你听说过除臭剂吗？”。很显然我闻起来很糟糕，谢谢这小费。FML

Today, in an effort to repair our fake Christmas tree, my girlfriend succeeded in gluing it to the floor. I can’t get it loose. FML

今天，为了修复我们的圣诞树，我女朋友把它粘在了地板上，结果拿不下来了。FML

Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over me and the wall. FML

今天，我在马桶里看到一只蟑螂，我想如果把尿撒在它身上会很好玩。它跳了出来，吓了我一跳，我的头撞在了墙上，开始流血，我还尿了自己一身，并且还尿在了墙上。FML

Today, I was on Facebook chat with my boss. We were talking about the holiday hours and such. I had to go to my doctor’s appointment so I said to him “G2G, love you” on accident. Not only did he say it back, he requested a relationship with me on Facebook. FML

今天，我在Facebook 上和我的上司聊天，我们谈论了假日等等。我要去看医生了，不小心说成了“我要走了，我爱你”。他不但回复说他也爱我，还希望和我发展关系。FML

Today, I discovered that my bed has a flea infestation. I discovered it after sleeping naked in it for about an hour. FML

今天，我发现我的床上有很多跳蚤。当然，是在裸睡了一个小时后才发现的。FML

Today, I gave my wife her anniversary card. She started to giggle then walked in our bedroom and came back with the exact same card from last year. This is the second time I’ve done this. FML

今天，我给了我妻子一张周年纪念贺卡。她咯咯的笑起来，走进卧室拿出来一张一模一样的去年的卡片，这是我第二次做着傻事了。FML

Today, I had to cancel a dinner date with my boyfriend of 2 years to take my cat to the emergency vet. He just broke up with me because “I don’t own a cat”. I’ve had this cat for 5 years. This same cat also had kittens, one of which he gave to his little sister for her birthday a month ago. FML

今天，因为要送猫咪去兽医急诊，我不得不取消了和我相处两年的男友的晚餐，他说我根本没有养猫，和我分手了。我养这只猫五年了，这只猫还生过小猫咪，一个月前，我男朋友还送过其中一只给他妹妹做生日礼物。FML

Today, with my girlfriend I planned a trip to Bali on this Thursday and we will celebrate Christmas together. Hotel booking done, flight tickets bought, swimsuits packed. I just forgot one thing: tell my boss I’ll be on leave till next week. He gave me a new project. The deadline is next monday. FML

今天，我计划和女朋友一起周四去巴里岛一起过圣诞。订好了机票酒店，带上游泳衣，我只忘了一件事：告诉上司我休假到下周。他给了我一个新项目，必须在下周一之前完成。FML

Today, I was going on a date with my girlfriend. When I took her home, her sister came to the door. I used to date her sister and I didn’t know they were related. My girlfriend realized this, then kicked me in the crotch. FML

今天，我和女朋友约会，当我把她送回家时，碰到了她的姐姐。我以前也跟她姐姐约会过，但我不知道她们的关系。我女朋友明白了，一脚踢在了我裤裆里。FML

Today, I put in an application to my local market for a job that I desperately needed. I was talking to the manager, he seemed pleased with my application and said he’ll call me. As he walks into his private office, I hear the sound of a paper shredder. FML

今天，我在本地的人才市场申请了一份向往很久的工作，我和人事经理谈了，他看起来对我的申请很满意，说他会打电话给我。但他一走进他的私人办公室，我就听到了碎纸机的声音。FML

来源 ； 翻译: 添乱；本文链接： http://www.liujingke.com/archives/69

扯淡人生 FML

Today, I asked my girlfriend what she thought of us getting married some day. She said she wasn’t sure about me yet and that we may want to go in different directions soon. We’ve been dating for three years and I had the ring in my pocket at the moment. FML

今天，我问我的女朋友，她是否想过我们有一天会结婚。她说，她对我还不太确定，可能很快我们就会分手。我们已经约会3年了，当时我都已经准备好了戒指，就在我的口袋里。FML

Today, my mom and I had to shovel our driveway after an epic snowstorm that left us with 22 inches of snow. We only needed to dig out my mom’s car and not mine. After we did all that work and shoveled all the snow onto the side where my car was we found out my mom had a flat tire. FML

今天，在一场空前的大雪暴之后，地面有22英寸的积雪，我和妈妈不得不铲出一条车道。我们决定只挖出妈妈的车，我们把铲出的雪堆在我的车停的那一侧，当我们把车道铲出，把妈妈的车挖出之后，才发现，妈妈的车胎爆了。FML

Today, I got fed up with the amount of hair on my feet, so I went to get my foot hair waxed off. When I removed my socks, the waxer laughed the amount of foot hair. I’m a 18 year old female and it appears I have feet that were last seen on Big Foot. FML

今天，我厌烦了脚上厚厚的汗毛，便去把它用蜡除掉。我一脱掉短袜，涂蜡师便冲着我脚上的汗毛大笑起来。我是一个18岁的女孩，但看起来我有一双野人一样多毛的脚。FML

Today, I took the train home. When seated, I suddenly noticed something wet on my seat. Without looking, I thought it was water since it was snowing outside. Guess again. It was vomit. FML

今天，我坐火车回家。刚坐下，我忽然感觉座位上有点湿。没看的时候，我还以为是水，因为外面在下雪。猜猜是什么，呕吐物！FML

Today, I had given up on finding my makeup bag with cell phone and iPod my mom had bought for me recently. So I went to art to join the group of girls with whom I share the back art studio of my school. One of them was talking about how she’d ripped off some bitch’s stuff, and she held up my bag. FML

今天，我已经放弃找我丢失的化妆袋了，里面有我的手机和妈妈刚给我买的iPod。 我出去和一群女孩子一起画画，我们共用学校的油画室。其中一个女孩在炫耀她是怎么偷了一个臭女人的东西，她举起的正是我的包。FML

Today, I decided to sign up to a dating website. After having a long conversation with one of my matches about how much I hate my job, I decided to meet up with him. It was my boss. FML

今天，我注册了一个交友网站。我和其中的一个匹配者聊了很久，我向他抱怨说我非常不喜欢我的工作，后来我们决定见面。结果，他是我的上司。FML

Today, I was at a family party and everyone was seeing my new glasses for the first time. My 48 year old uncle told me that I look like a hot librarian and then grabbed my ass. He was still sober. FML

今天，在一个家庭聚会上，大家第一次看到了我的新眼镜。我48岁的叔叔告诉我，我看起来像一个身材惹火的图书管理员，然后他捏了我的屁股。他还没有喝醉呢。FML

Today, I was hanging out with my ex’s new girlfriend. I found out he was dating us both at the same time and was comparing between us. That is why he broke up with me two years ago and is still with her ever since. FML

今天，我和我前男友的新女友见面了。我发现他是同时和我们两个约会的，并且在我们之间做了比较。这就是为什么两年前他和我分手，从那之后和她在一起的原因。FML

Today, my boyfriend decided to give me my Christmas present early because he’s going to his grandparents’ house for Christmas and won’t see me. I was excited, until I unwrapped a sweater that I left there a month ago. FML

今天，我男朋友决定提前送给我圣诞礼物，因为圣诞节他要去他祖父家，不能和我一起过。我很高兴的打开了礼物，那是一件毛衣，我一个月前忘在他那里的。FML

Today, my boyfriend has gone to a traffic light party. Wear Red if your are taken, yellow if taken but willing to cheat and green if you’re single. Guess who hasn’t got a red shirt? FML

今天，我男朋友去参加了一个红绿灯聚会，穿红色代表已经有了朋友，黄色代表虽然有了朋友但是愿意背叛，绿色代表仍是单身，猜猜谁没穿红色？FML

Today, I updated my Facebook status to “It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.” My cousin, seeing the status, failed to pick up on the sarcastic humor. She called all my family members and tell them that I was pregnant. Including my husband in Iraq. FML

今天，我更新我Facebook上的状态为“这可能应该叫做计划外生育”。我表姐，没能理解这冷幽默，她告诉我所有的家庭成员我怀孕了，包括我远在伊拉克的丈夫。FML

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years announced that he is not ready for marriage, and won’t be for ‘at least’ another 2 years. Of course he waited to tell me this 2 days after he had proposed to me in front of hundreds of people, I said yes, and we announced it to all our family members and friends. FML

今天，我相处了三年的男友宣布他还没准备好结婚，并且至少两年之内也不会。当然他告诉我这些是在当着上百人的面向我求婚两天之后，当时我答应了他的求婚，并且通知了我所有的家人和朋友。FML

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has to pretend to have another boyfriend who is not me because her siblings and cousins do not accept me. FML

今天，我发现我的女朋友不得不假装在我之外还有一个男朋友，因为她的兄弟姐妹都不接受我。FML

Today, it was our 6 month anniversary. My boyfriend didn’t get me a present or take me out to dinner. Instead he cried to me about how much he hates his life while he repeatedly punched himself in the face. Then he dropped me off to spend time with his mom. FML

今天，是我们六个月的纪念日，我男朋友既没送给我礼物，也没有带我出去就餐。相反，他一边不停的打自己的脸，一边冲我大喊他有多恨自己的生活。然后他把我丢下跟他妈妈一起过。FML

Today, I got my first tip. It was a Mentos. FML

今天，我得到了我的第一笔小费，一块薄荷糖。FML

Today, I sent my resume to a place where I hoped to work at. Since the job requires me to be doing work on the run, I put on it that I have a laptop. The only problem is that I always thought it was “labtop.” I didn’t learn the correct spelling until my daughter called me an idiot, she’s 6. FML

今天，我把简历投递到一家我希望工作的地方。这项工作要求在出差中工作，所以我就写上我有一台手提电脑（laptop）。唯一的问题是我总以为那叫Labtop，直到我女儿骂我白痴我才改正过来，她才6岁。FML

Today, I wore a pair of glasses with no lenses because I thought I’d look smarter. I ended up poking myself in the eye several times, leaving it swollen. So much for making me look smarter. FML

今天，我戴了一幅没有镜片的眼睛，想让自己看起来更酷。结果我好几次戳到自己的眼睛，都弄肿了。装酷的代价太大了。FML

Today, I was sleeping in my room when I awoke to an unfamiliar female voice in my apartment followed by a thud. I walked out to find a drunk girl I’ve never met collapsed in my doorway. After puking all over the place, she had me call her father who picked her up 10 minutes later. FML

今天，我正在自己公寓睡觉，忽然扑通一声响，然后一个陌生的女人声音把我吵醒。我走出去发现一个喝醉的陌生女孩倒在我的门口。她吐得到处都是，我还要打电话给她父亲把她接走。FML

Today, at my job as a cake decorator in a bakery, I put the finishing touches on the wedding cake of the man who left me at the altar 3 years ago. FML

今天，作为一个蛋糕店的糕点师傅，我给一个男人的婚礼蛋糕做装饰，就是这个男人三年前在婚礼上离开了我。FML

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our five-year anniversary. I got him a new flat-screen TV. He got me toilet seat cover. FML

今天，我和男朋友庆祝我们的五周年纪念日，我给了他一个新的平板电视，他给我一个马桶盖。FML

来源 ； 翻译: 添乱；本文链接： http://www.liujingke.com/?p=67

扯淡人生

我从乡下跑来暂住到京城里，一转眼已经六年了。其间耳闻目睹的所谓有产阶级梦想，听起来很是不错；但在我心里，却不敢留下什么幻想，倘要我寻出这些事的影响来说，便只是增长了我的自卑感，——老实说，便是教我一天比一天的失去生存下去的信心。

但有一件小事，却于我有如救星，将我从自卑里拖开，醍醐灌顶，豁然开朗。

这是民国六十年的冬天，大北风刮得正猛，我因为生计关系，不得不一早就赶去上班，公交车前后门都挤不进人，好容易才拦下了一辆出租车，教他赶快拉我到GS去。不一会，北风小了，路上浮尘早已刮净，剩下一条洁白的大道来，出租车也跑得更快。快要到GS的时候，忽而前方十几米外的一个人，慢慢的歪倒在地上。

跌倒的是一个女人，花白头发，衣服都很华丽。伊从马路上慢慢的横穿过去；司机已经远远的停车让开了道，但伊的貂皮大衣没有扣上，北风吹着，向外展开，所以终于把伊刮倒了。幸而风已经小了很多，否则伊定要被风吹到爪哇国去，回不来了。

伊伏在地上, 挡住了我们的路；司机鸣了几下喇叭，伊只是不动，司机便停了车走下来，这时候，伊突然站起来，朝我们的车跑过来，轻轻的挨着车子的前灯慢慢的又倒了下去。这一切发生的太快了，我和司机都只能目瞪口呆的看着她。

我料定这老女人并没有伤，也应该不是生病，便知道这司机有了大麻烦，怕误了我上班。我便对他说“司机师傅，我下车，多少钱？”

司机毫不理会，——或者并没有听到，——却蹲下身子，看了看老女人，扑通一声跪在她面前： “求求你，起来吧，我家里穷的厉害，实在没有四万五可以给你…..”

伊只是躺着，有气无力的说“你把我撞坏了，你要赔我医药费，或者给我五千块钱吧”

司机跪着转过身，朝我磕头，“大哥，求你了，给我做个证吧。我实在拿不出那么多钱啊。”

我想，我眼见她故意倒在车子上，慢慢倒地，怎么会摔坏呢，装腔作势罢了，这真可憎恶。但这只是司机倒霉，与我何干，现在你自己想法去吧。

司机无奈的转身回去，与那老女人讨价还价，老女人很爽快的答应了他只赔偿2000的要求，司机掏出身上的一些钱交给老女人，老女人要求余款让交警来作证。

他扶那老女人慢慢起来，搀着伊的臂膊，一步一步的向前走。我有些诧异，忙看前面，是一所交警岗哨，大风之后，外面也不见人。这司机扶着那老女人，便正是向那儿走去。

我这时突然感到一种异样的感觉，觉得他满身灰尘的后影，刹时变幻了，而且愈走愈明显，那分明就是一自动提款机，而且不需要卡和密码。对于我，他渐渐的又几乎变成一种希望，甚而至于要榨出我过往的“愚蠢和无知”来。

我的活力这时大约有些凝滞了，坐着没有动，也没有想，直到看见岗哨里走出一个交警，才下了车。

交警走近我说，“你什么都没有看到，对吧？那就赶快走，能多快就多快，还有，你的出租车钱还没给吧。”

我没有思索的从外套袋里抓出二十五块，递给交警，说，“谢谢，再见。”

风全住了，路上还很静。我走着，一面想，几乎怕敢想到自己，以前的日子都白过了，还不如一个老女人会挣钱。以前的事姑且搁起，这二十五块又是什么意思？这么轻易的被交警给赚去了。我为什么不骗他说已经给过了呢？我不能回答自己。

这事到了现在，还是时时记起。我因此也时时忍了疼痛，努力的要撞伤我自己，但终于没有成功。多年来的忍辱偷生，在我早如幼小时候所梦过的“拯救世界”一般，激不起心底的半点波澜了。独有这一件小事，却总是浮在我眼前，有时反更分明，教我惭愧，催我自新，并且增长我致富的勇气和希望。

---篡改自鲁迅先生同名短文，如需转载，稿费请自行付给鲁迅先生。

扯淡人生 一件小事

在这早已撤掉蚊帐的深秋的夜里，被一只蚊子咬醒，久久不能再入睡。

人真是很奇妙的动物。没心没肺如我，可以在轰鸣的列车里，窝在憋闷的狭小空间中，呼吸着污浊的空气，沉沉的做美梦；却独独怕这弱小的蚊子，它轻轻的一次叮咬，于我，便是失眠的恶梦。很羡慕童年时的那位邻居，在农村炎热的夜里，毫无防护的睡在高高的房顶，任由蚊子肆虐，鼾声如雷悠然入睡，蚊子的叮咬于他，只如清风拂过山岗。

想起曾去过的一些荒远山村，日出而作日落而息的乡民们，脸上挂着满足的笑容，享受着粗茶淡饭，清心寡欲的人生；这样的人生拿来给我们中的很多人，是宁可累死也不愿领受的。

故土之于我辈，有所眷恋无可执着，若有可能，周游天下，做个世界人，葬于哪片热土都无不同；另一些人，生时不忍远离，死在天涯海角也要叶落归根的；

自由之于我辈，如同呼吸般不可缺少，另一些人，争先恐后赶赴囚笼，用自由换取一口施舍；民主之于我辈，如普照的阳光，另一些人，围绕在当权者身旁，谄媚奉迎，甘愿为奴为仆。

出生的环境，家庭，教育，阅历都不尽相同，每个人的人生都有不同的写法，于人于事看法有大不同，你向往的天堂，正是别人的地狱，你拼死舍不掉的，却是别人拼命追求着的；千姿百态，才是这世界真正有趣之处。

但愚钝如我的众生，囿于自己的浅薄无知，时时幻想着去说服，去点化，以为自己真是佛祖，可以超度苍生，用自己的执念去碰撞别人的执念，所得的，只是四溅的血腥和受伤的两颗心。

不自由毋宁死的布道者们，请不要浪费你英雄的力量试图去感化我们，你不能振臂一呼应者云集，只要还能生存，民众是不会主动跟在你后面，为你摇旗呐喊的，他们只是沉默。

压得你无法呼吸的囚笼，于他们，只是一道远远的不用触及的影子而已。

你能做的，绝不是就此放弃，就此消失，用余生谴责不可救的愚昧众生，哀叹天妒英雄，而是奋起反抗，用你微薄之力，去砸开那囚笼。

开始你做不到，你奋力的一击也不过留下淡淡的一丝痕迹，没关系，只要你有足够的毅力和恒心，这牢笼的制造者是个孱弱的软蛋，他不敢放任你去砸，他断没有这样的心胸和自信，他会绞尽脑汁加固那牢笼，放上更多的荆棘。

你不顾流血的双脚，继续的努力，一下，一下，都砸在那个软蛋的心上。

他被激怒了，他将这牢笼加固的密不透风，开始用怀疑的目光审视每一个囚徒，试图从他们身上找出另一个你，他开始怕得发抖了。

那些沉默的囚徒们变得一天天无法呼吸，连奴隶都做不了了，他们开始集结力量，开始觉醒，开始审视这牢笼，他们要动手了，砸掉它！

这才是你真正的成就。

扯淡人生